|
| When he first left I thought he had hand picked our break up song with Both Hands. It is not so, Hour Follows Hour and Every Angle are the songs that resonate with me when I am feeling all mopey. I have been doing the mopey thing less and less lately. I have new songs to occupy my time. Songs like Imperfectly and Joyful Girl.
It is so funny the things that you come to appreciate. It is so strange that helping with the laundry can feel like making love. It is so different that it means something when you snuggle up. I feel so blessed to be a part of a partnership. It feels so good to be valued as more than something pretty, more than something comforting. It feels good to feel like me again. I didn't know how much I missed trusting someone enough to let go of being in control. I had forgotten what being in love meant. It is so much more than a stomach flip.
| | |
| Today is Mother's Day. It was Marcy's first. I am officially the last woman in my family without children. It feels weird. It doesn't feel weird, like, I want a baby weird. It just feels weird, I'm not in the club weird. We had a barbecue at Phil's house. It was the first family event orchestrated by me, and it went off really well. The food was amazing! I never knew my Dad had such a way with a grill. Marcy, and Pauline, and Mama, and Tat were all showered with love like no other. Everyone got a chance to see the babies. Fonz mostly played with his dog who he was SO happy to have along. Then at the end everyone pitched in to get the place looking clean again, packed up their doggy bags, and headed off out into their life knowing how much they are loved. I really love my family.
I have been spending a lot of time on Zaadz discussing my beliefs and my writing with some incredible people. I do quite a bit more reading than writing, but it seems to balance itself out. I even have a sort of pen pal who wants to discuss Conversations with God (which I barely remember reading) with me to see where our beliefs are different, where they are the same, and just have one of those loving, accepting, always blows me out of the water kind of conversations. I am looking forward to it quite a bit. I have returned to my favorite online poetic community to find it very much altered. The format, the guidelines are altered, but the people feel as much like home as ever. I still have not posted anything new. An event in which I get hurt very badly is usually followed by a way too long period of extreme caution. I am trying to break out of that. I am doing some things to get me out of my comfort zone. The last thing that I want is to walk around making decisions out of fear for the next two years.
The Air Force is fast approaching. I am going to need a lot of prayer.....Also, I need to get up off of my lazy ass, and get ready. I keep thinking about it. No thinking, thinking is my enemy when it comes to the air force. I need much, much less thinking, and much, much more doing. Here I am thinking about it some more. I am silly. So, this is life.
| | |
| 04-05-2007 N*,
Another letter full of things that I want to say to you, but won't. I am a little nervous about Monday. I don't suppose you will be there. That makes things a little easier. I am still not the woman that you needed me to be. I don't suppose I ever will be. You are not the man that I thought you were. So, our marriage comes to a close.
I have learned so much about myself these past months. I have seen things to be proud of as well as things that have to change. I want to thank you and your family for giving me a view into myself that cannot be ignored. I have learned one of my most important lessons and that is that I can love for the sake of loving with no attachments or expectations. I love you, but, for the first time, it doesn't mean anything. It just means that I love you. I don't want or need anything from you. It doesn't have anything to do with you. I just love, and it feels good.
It is so strange the way things turn out sometimes. I feel very blessed to have had you be a part of my life for awhile. You will always be in my heart and I will continue to want nothing but your health and happiness.
Loni
-This concludes the series of letters that were never sent. I, hopefully, will stop writing letters to people that do not wish to hear from me. I feel a little better now that they have been sent out into the ether, so to speak.-
| | |
| 04-05-2007 G*,
A letter to help me get complete; that's what this is. I don't even know where to begin. I guess I will start by admitting that I blame you for N* being the way that he is. I don't want to admit that the man that I chose to be with has issues that he needs to deal with. So, I blame you. It is not true and it is not fair. When I felt like I was being judged and blamed for something that he did I threw all of the blame and judgment back onto you and B* to ease my pain.
I know in my heart that everything you did, whether right, wrong, or indifferent, was done out of the love that you have for your son. I know that your intentions were not to hurt me, but were to protect him. I know that you are living life and taking care of your family the best that you can.
With all of that said, I feel so blessed to find a place of love and forgiveness when I think of you and your husband. It is so much better than the anger and resentment that I felt because I thought that you were trying to make me the bad guy. I am so sorry for all of the judgments and stories that I made up about you. The truth is that I love you and I respect the love and commitment that you have for your family. With that I declare this letter and myself complete.
Loni (a.k.a. the possibility of love and acceptance)
| | |
| 04-05-2007
B*,
I have been so angry with you. That day at TMC when you said I was a part of your family I took you at your word. It meant so much to me to finally feel accepted by a family that I felt had done nothing, but judge me. Then after N*s second attempt, well even before that, to be so purposefully and powerfully removed from the family you said I was a part of, to be cut out like a tumor, really hurt my feelings. I felt like I had been lied to. It almost felt like a betrayal. The things that were said to me did not fit in with my idea of family.
It took me awhile to get here, but I am realizing more and more that none of that was personal. I don't know what happened, maybe we have different definitions of family, maybe you didn't realize that I would take the comment so seriously, maybe you changed your mind. Whatever the reason for the misunderstanding I know that you didn't intentionally hurt me. I know that it wasn't even about me. I know that you were just afraid for your son and willing to do anything to get him back to a place of health.
I am sorry that I took everything so personally and I want to apologize for anything that I have done to disappoint you. I am not angry anymore. I have nothing but love for your family and I wish you all the best.
Loni
| | |
|
